moving

again.

to wordpress, so i can follow more friends' blogs.

eachdayray.wordpress.com

never alone

with a heavy heart,  i write that my good friend's mom passed away yesterday after a long battle with breast cancer. this disease seems to be winding through my life in so many ways, and each time it strikes, it stirs up my passion to do something to help. that much is clear to me. i don't know exactly what i want to do with my life, but i want it to involve fighting cancer. in any and every way that i can.

this weekend should be fun, although the thought of my friend's mom may cast a bit of a cloud over it. things have been strange lately... eating is definitely off. but i'm hoping if i just keep pushing it'll be back to being "normal" (though it doesn't feel normal for me at all) soon. i'm hanging on, i'm fighting, i'm hanging in there, with high hopes and confidence in my ability- although i'm certainly feeling a bit down and discouraged and scared.

today has been up and down. body and food wise i've been feeling insecure. i'm scared of going back to school in the fall, and it's taking a toll on me. i'm scared of things going back to how they were last fall, and i know it's up to me. i hear the echoes of unkind words say to me, and i doubt myself, despite my desire to prove everyone wrong. i can appreciate how difficult it must be for people to understand, how it's easier, it makes more sense, to not eat. how meals don't come naturally to me, how the idea of maintaining weight is foreign, it seems like the body should be losing until it's at the lowest weight it can hold. it's not so much that i don't trust myself behaviorally, i guess i don't trust myself physically... and with that distrust, comes fear, and so many other things. but i'm hanging in there. i did well on my econ midterm which i celebrated with an ice cream sundae- so that was great :) and now i'm watching a movie and trying to distract myself. wish i had more updates. tomorrow i'm making cookies, and then it's my mom's birthday on thursday and i'm making her a carrot cake. so excited for that- though i must admit my insecurities are eating me alive at the idea of eating cake. but i can do it! it's just a cake! well that's all i suppose, hopefully tomorrow is better than today!

the ocean is my only medication

i've definitely been slacking on the blogging front, probably because food has not been to exciting and i've been oddly busy- meaning i haven't been on my computer too much! this weekend was sweltering hot, but yesterday and today have been a nice reprieve from that. i spent friday and saturday at the beach, per usual, but just couldn't stand being without AC, and wasn't really in the mood to be up there. quite strange for me, it's like i've been to the beach too much this summer- something i never believed possible! however, i did end up seeing horrible bosses on friday, which was really funny, and friends with benefits yesterday. i expected FWB to be just like no strings attached but it was actually SO good, and they weren't that similar at all. i'm mildly obsessed with mila kunis, so obviously i liked it a lot, but i really enjoyed the story- there was a lot more to it than i'd expected. i'd actually go see it again...in a heart beat!

feeling inspired, i made cupcake cones yesterday which was quite fun. i made them all my favorite ice cream flavors: cookies & creme, mint chip, and reese's (chocolate with PB mmm):

i'm glad i can enjoy baking- and eating my baked goods! the stress of transferring and school is getting to me and my body image has definitely been suffering lately. but i keep reminding myself that trying to change my body won't make me feel any better about the rest of my life. funny isn't it, how we give our body so much power? how we let ourselves believe that by changing our physical being, we might somehow contort the rest of our lives. once i can remind myself of this it gets a bit easier and i distract. my post-potter depression is a bit out of hand and i'm rereading the books, since i just can't accept that it's over. i can't believe there's only a week left of summer classes. it's kinda terrifying how fast it's all gone by... or maybe what's really terrifying is that i'm going to be going back to school for real in the fall, and my fear that things will slip into the old routine. sometimes it hits me how easy it would be to let my eating disorder win, to just be sick again, and i even think that maybe it would be different. but it won't be. ED is never different, and i am too happy to put myself through that. so i push on, i eat the best i can, i try to get in my exercise (i'm shooting for 45 minutes of cardio, 5 days a week), and i check in with myself. one day at a time, great things are coming.

too hot to function

the heat has made me feel incredibly cathartic. haven't wanted to study, make food, do anything really. i've spent a few days up at my beach house, but without AC it was miserable. i had midterms in this week in my summer classes- a test and a big presentation, but i think they both went okay. it takes a lot of getting used to being the way i am, which is not something i would've expected. it's like i love myself, but i'm not quite used to the fact that this is truly who i am. in less than i month i'll be on my road trip around the south, with the ultimate purpose of saying goodbye to my old friends and welcoming in a new life. until then, i'll try to hang on to my sanity, beat the heat, and try to find things i want to be eating that aren't yogurt, ice cream, smoothies, or diet coke.

country roads take me home

this song came on in the grocery store today and i just started crying. right there in the frozen foods, celebrating my amy's meals for the week. how embarrassing! i've been pretty overwhelmed lately with the thought of transferring and all, saying goodbye to my amazing friends especially. it's been nice reconciling with people, but that also just makes it so much harder to know i'm leaving. but God is telling me to stay in boston, i know he has great plans for me here and i'm so excited to see what he has in store for me. my house mates are absolutely amazing and i love our apartment/house and can't wait to move in! yet it is very overwhelming and stressful and scary and exciting and just...everything! so many things remind me of tennessee and make me so sad that that'll no longer be part of my life. but then i think to what else i'm leaving behind there- my eating disorder, my insecurities, my overwhelming perfectionism- and i look forward to my new life in freedom.

this morning at work i got a teddy bear that i found oddly perfect for my life. he's holding a cupcake that says "celebrating life"! that's me! celebrating life and cupcakes!

my new teddy, named Kate

nothing too exciting going on in the food front. here's today's breakfast, which was a rather sad pancake overloaded with fruit and morningstar veggie sausage on the side:

so good :) i've been trying to add in more variety to my meals, which is hard when i have dinner on the go every day. classes are going well though. i got an a on my speech on nutrition! which i would certainly have hoped for considering all the nutrition classes and advising i've had lately... tomorrow's my econ midterm so i better start studying for that!

second time's the charm

i mentioned the other day that i messed up a recipe and was upset about it. well i'm certainly not one to let failure stop me so today, mostly out of boredom, i attempted the coconut-oatmeal-chocolate chip- raisin cookies again. and i was triumphant! i have this kid's cookies cookbook (how's that for alliteration?) and it's never failed me...today being no exception!

epic win of cookies if i do say so myself! i've still been on a microwave meal kick which is less than ideal, but i've found they totally get the job done. one of my new favorite's is a michelina's stirfry (not organic, but the nutrition info isn't too bad- and it was really filling!), except next time i definitely think i'll be adding to veg chicken.

tonight i have to do an information speech in my public speaking class. since food/nutrition are things i'm interested in (and basically all i know anything about) i'm giving mine on that. basically, i'm using the philosophy of variety, balance, and moderation (my top 3 words to live by when it comes to food) and sharing that with the class. i think it'll be okay, though i'm pretty anxious about it.

tomorrow and friday i'm going apartment hunting, and then this weekend is harry potter! my friend and i are also hoping to have a bakesale to raise money for cookies for kids cancer, which is a charity i've wanted to donate to for ages. fingers crossed that it all works out! somehow, even though i've got tons of free time, i feel like i never have time to actually get stuff done. not a good feeling to be heading into the academic year with!